This is my Story
To Start you off, this isn't easy for me to do by any means! The picture you see above is me back when I was in my active addiction. Some may see just a girl, some may see someone with a problem. Now when I first posted this picture of me on Face book, in my mind I thought it was a " HOT PHOTO" my husband liked it right! So why did it matter ? My mom quickly pointed out that she didn't like this picture at all. My chest bones were showing and I was really thin. I looked sick, now this took me a very long time to see, and now this photo to me is a reminder of where I do not want to ever be again.
I started out as at as young mom, early 20's who worked 2 jobs and supported my family. I also went to school to be a nurse. My life was awesome, mean what more could I possibly ask for in life. I found out while pregnant with my first son, whom I had many surgeries and fertility treatments to assist in my getting pregnant (that story is for another blog.). I found out in 2004 that I had cervical cancer and that it could be treated with the Cryo surgery, which is a freezing of the lining of my cervix. This was terrifying to me. I had already lost family members to Cancer. I was prescribed narcotic Pain Meds for my treatment, it was painful with a lot of sharp Pains. This was the end of June 2004 and my son was born, so he was safe.
For the next year I was taking my medication as prescribed, after my treatments they dropped me down to a non narcotic pain medicine, this didn't bother me in thought. Within about a week I noticed I was achy, sweaty, irritable, cramping with a major pain in my abdomen, legs, head & every other part of my body. The thought never once entered my mind that I was in withdraws, I mean I took the medicine just like the doctor had prescribed. Within the next 48hrs my pain grew intense so intense that I couldn't handle it anymore. I bought two bottle of extra strength Excedrin and one was almost gone, they were starting to making my stomach hurt. I had no apatite whatsoever, and I knew this wasn't good, I was loosing strength quickly. I couldn't feel this way, I had to get up out of the bed, I had a son that needed his mom, he was starting to walk and was into everything. My husband helped as much as possible, but he had to work so he couldn't be their all the time. I had already neglected going to school, dropped out of the classes that I was enrolled in. I then started to borrow pain meds and my sickness stopped, I was scared because at that point I knew exactly what was going on. I had became an addict and was addicted to the medications after all.
For about the next 4 yrs I let the drugs control my life. I was neglecting the time I had with my son, missing him being a baby. I mean what was I doing? How could I control this? I was always broke because I was spending my money on the things !!!! I needed to control it, it was getting worse the longer I let it go. My mom tried and begged me to get help but I thought I could do it all on my own. So I began drinking and forgetting the pain meds, but what I didn't realize was that was just the start to something more. I was drinking and still taking the pills, except now I had 2 habits that I couldn't afford. I thought many times about Suicide, in my mind my son was the only thing saving me from this uncertain hell or death. I continued down the path with these thoughts until 2007 when I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd son. I stopped using as soon as I found out their was a life inside me. What was I gonna do when he is born? I was so scared and I had every right to be, addiction isn't easy.
In May 2008 my second son in which I named Peyton Tyler Reese Wallace was born, those big blue eyes and blond hair had my heart, I was in LOVE. he was gonna be the 2nd reason that I was gonna be clean. I stayed clean for over six months, then In December all the parties I started to drink a little and thought that I could handle just one Pain pill, boy was that a stupid mistake. One lead to 2,then 3 then 4 . I think you get the pattern. To me I was managing it because I was only doing it on special occasions but that wasn't the truth and I was in some major denial. Everyone around me noticed it but I didn't. Why? because I was in DENIAL which huge for a addict.
On New Years Eve 2008 New Years 2009 we had a major party with all our friends, it was happening, we were having the time of our lives, the kids were in the bed just upstairs. We were dancing, singing, talking & Living life like we were single with no children. Early hours of the morning the pills broke out and I snorted a big Loratab 10mg with everyone, yep I snorted it and it was killer on my nose and the tissue. I snorted the 2nd pill and my stomach began to turn, rolling I was getting sick and I had never gotten sick that fast from any pain medication in my life. I right then knew oh NO I am pregnant. I got away from everyone their and into the living area I yelled for my husband, I shared the news with him, NO he said their is no way, YES I assured him I knew my body and it wasn't playing games. For the rest of the night I played it safe until everyone passed out including myself. The next thing I knew I was awoken with Ronnie saying hey baby I went to the Rite Aid and got this pregnancy test go take it.
Up to the bathroom with the Pregnancy Test in one hand my eyes barely cracked open, how was I gonna hit this little tube if I couldn't hold my eyes open. So I found a small Styrofoam cup on the sink and wrenched it out and dried it. First morning Urine is always the best and the strongest to pick up HCG hormone. So I dipped the little dripper in pulled out a little urine, dropped 2 drops onto the strip, waited 2 minutes boom 2 lines, I was pregnant just as I thought. Ronnie's eyes got huge as he saw the lines appear, OMG how, I asked him what he meant how, and told him You know exactly how. Their it was I was having another one with a 6 mth old baby still crawling. Just like with the others I stayed sober, I took a few pain pills every now and then but nothing big and not a lot at one time, just to ward off the sickness, from withdraws, I was told those withdraws, were more dangerous than just taking one here or their to help me from being sick. I was more than determined to stop the drug use after this child was born. Easier said than done, as so many will tell you.. I ended up getting help before the time of my child’s birth, I was so excited I had accomplished this when so many said I would fail, it made me realize their were more to life than the drugs and I wanted to save the life of not only myself but my New Son, who I loved with all my heart and soul. Now he was born Sept 04, 2009 and was my healthy beautiful life changing baby boy.
Within a year I had found out my endometriosis had grown it became very painful and was prescribed Pain meds. Because no matter how scared I was, the pain was just too bad to handle, yes I handled it way better this time than any others, simply because I never wanted to walk that fine line again, but anyone knows when your taking pain meds, and you are an recovering addict that it is so much easier to get addicted more easily. However I had found out my Cervical Cancer had made an breakthrough once more as well, this wasn’t good for my recovery at all. It was something I had to do. In the mean time I had gotten pregnant and never knew it until I was at 5mths along but the baby stopped growing at 4 or little under and was born way early and wasn’t ready, this was a huge eye opener for me, I decided I couldn’t handle this life style any more and asked my mom to go with me to the doctor to ask to be put on medical assisted treatment, the medication I was prescribed was rarely new to my ears and was told me would help me over come my addiction and by this time I had nothing left to loose. I was prescribed a medication cause Suboxyone Strips 8mg/2mg sublingual strips that you let dissolve under your tongue. Soon my cravings were gone and I would forget about the medications. This medication done amazing things for me and my family and if taken the right way can save your life or a loved ones as well, however they have to be used for a short period of time or you will have trouble riding them from your life.
It is now 2019 when I am writing this post and I have so much to look back and be grateful for in my life, and so many times took advantage of what God has done for me. Yes it is 7yrs later and I am on the MAT program still but I am cutting myself back slowly as it is way harder to come off of than thought to be, because I was not made aware of this like patients are now. I still go to Addiction Recovery Care, and do my counseling weekly and they are helping me to become a peer support specialist, and they have never turned their back on me. I will forever be great full for the people who stuck by me throughout my lifetime of bad juju and addiction. The list grows each day and now I have 3 heathy happy boys, a nice home, 3 automobiles & a husband that Loves me more than anything. We have been together 19 long, hard, trying but loving years that I would never trade for anything. My mom is also a huge part of my life and my recovery she is my bff and she never gave up hope on me, no matter how much I worried her or hurt her she never once walked away from me. She is my Rock and I am truly great full.
I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR SUPPORT AND FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ MY STORY, I AM NOT PROOF READING THIS AND MY COMPUTER IS GLITCHING PRETTY BAD BUT I WANT TO GET THIS POSTED. I DIDN’T GO INTO GREAT DETAIL ABOUT EVERYTHING BUT YOU CAN KIND OF GET THE PICTURE, WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO SAY IS , IF YOU KNOW AN ADDICT OR IF YOUR FAMILY OF AN ADDICT PLEASE TREAT THEM KIND AND GET THEM HELP.
Comments
Post a Comment